


Only sometimes

by erioN



Category: Chuck (TV)
Genre: Bryce POV, F/M, M/M, One Shot, Unbeta'd, introspective, melancholic, one-sided Bryce/Chuck, past Bryce/Sarah
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2014-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-11 21:56:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2084556
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erioN/pseuds/erioN
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It isn't hard to love Chuck Bartowski. Only sometimes, it is...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Only sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there, this isn't my first foray into fanfic, but the first I dare to put out in the open in a long while and the first time on this site, so I hope everything works...

**Only sometimes**

 

It isn't hard to love Chuck Bartowski. Chuck with his adorable quirkiness and his admirable competence, with his unerring sense of right and wrong, his stubborn tenacity and his warm compassion. His big forgiving heart. The unapologetic nerd, the reluctant spy, the everyday hero.

It really isn't hard to love Chuck. Only sometimes, it is. Whenever the heart overrules the mind and Bryce can't help wondering about what might have been. Or in those quiet nights in his empty bedroom, when he catches himself listening for the comforting sound of his best friend's deep and regular breaths like he used to, back in their dorm at Stanford, whenever his overactive mind couldn't find any rest. Or whenever there's a weather change ahead and his aching scars remind him of the sacrifices he has made.

Even then, however, it is impossible not to love Chuck. Loving Chuck is easy; living with the consequences is not. Always this powerful longing, this bone-deep ache that makes Bryce wish he could stop how he feels.

He knows, however, that even if things had been different, if he'd had other options – the kind that would not have ended with cutting Chuck out of his life (or, let's face it, ruining Chuck's life) – he never actually stood a chance. Chuck might have valued his friendship back then, before there ever was a before and after, but Bryce highly doubts that it was only Chuck's usual obliviousness that stopped him from noticing that he only needed to ask and Bryce would have given him anything and everything in his power. Chuck simply wasn't looking for intimacy on that side of the street and back in the day he never ever looked at anyone other than Jill like **_that_** , so any advances from his male best friend would definitely not have been welcome even then.

Inspite of all their similarities, their common nerdiness, they were obviously way too different to ever work out as more than friends. And then Bryce had made very sure that Chuck would never let him get close enough again to even try...

*

He can't hate Sarah Walker. Only sometimes he comes very close. The passion Bryce felt for her was oddly similar to the love he felt for Chuck and they do say that love and hate are two sides of the same coin. He never ends up turning that passion into hate, though. She was the closest Bryce ever came to loving someone else as much as Chuck and the torch he carried for her has not been extinguished – the erratic flickering flare just turned into a quieter, more steady flame that keeps burning in him, at times burning him. Sometimes, however, he can't help disliking her for having what he can't have and for being what he could never be.

It is his own fault, though, for bringing the two of them together, and it is no one's fault that Sarah is exquisite and all a man could ever want, and that Chuck is straight and so much more lovable than he himself is. Sarah and Bryce were a great team professionally, but on a personal level they were always a bit too similar to anchor each other and to hold on for ever.

*

Most of the time he is happy for the two of them. Only sometimes just looking at them makes it hard to breathe. So he tries to keep away, tries to keep busy, so he won't have to see how much better off they are without him. Being dead seems like a sure-fire way to stay out of their lives for good and not ruin what they have. Remaining dead is sort of his secret wedding gift to them. His way of making up for all the hurt he caused and the chaos he brought into their lives (and probably would again if he ever returned after being revived - again).

Only sometimes does he give in to the urge to check up on them, driving by their house or hacking into the camera feeds at the BuyMore. Something which really should be harder than it is for him, considering the hidden CIA base underneath and the fact that Chuck is an expert on IT security. He toys with the idea of raising some red flags on purpose in order to make them close the small gaps in their security measures, but in the end he always convinces himself that it is unlikely that anyone else, someone who doesn't know Chuck like he does, would succeed undetected. Also, he simply can't let go of his personal little backdoor which allows him to keep an eye on them. Even if it is only sometimes...

**Author's Note:**

> I've never worked with a beta before. Would anyone be interested in betaing some Chuck, Chuck/White Collar, White Collar and/or White Collar/Ocean's fics? That is, if I ever manage whip them into presentable shape...


End file.
